


Caught in the Act

by tyjojodyn



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Band ends, Depression, F/M, Jenna is kind of a bitch, Josh is also kind of a bitch, Kidnapping, Multi, Violence, band memories, cute kid, jail time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-07-16 21:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7284628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyjojodyn/pseuds/tyjojodyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler and Josh are best friends. Tyler and Jenna are happily married. But all hell breaks loose when Tyler finds them in bed together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tear in my Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story on here so try to be kind ! Feel free to point out any typos or things that don't make sense ! I'll try to update every week but I can't promise anything !

|-/ 

Tyler hasn’t had a panic attack in what seems like forever. The last one he had was at a show, he climbed in the pit and the crowd dropped him. What seemed like thousands of hands just started swarming him and touching him and he couldn’t breathe. He started to panic when he realized he was on the ground and nobody was helping him. Michael couldn’t get to him and neither could security. For a moment he thought he’d be stuck there forever. 

Girls began tugging at his tank top causing it to rip. His arms and legs were getting stepped on and there was so much screaming. He felt one final tug at the back of his shirt and he was yanked backwards into the barricade, the top of his head smashing into the bar. Crying and hyperventilating, he hauled himself up and over the barricade with the help of some fat security guard. 

He climbed back on stage, but instead of stopping at his piano, he marched his way backstage and headed for his dressing room. Stripping off his layers and clawing at his neck and face. He reached the dressing room and collapsed onto the floor. He cried so hard he thought he was going to puke. 

That was nearly a year ago. Now Tyler had just gotten home from his parents house. His keys rattling as they hit the counter. “Babe?” He called out for Jenna. No answer. He slid his shoes off and poked his head into her office, she wasn’t in there. “Jenna?” He heard a loud thump, then a scream from upstairs. The first thing Tyler thought was that there was somebody trying to kill Jenna. 

He ran upstairs as fast as he could. He heard more thumping and followed the noise all the way to their bedroom. He swung the door open and stopped dead in his tracks. First he sees his best friend lying naked in Tyler’s bed. Okay. A little weird that Josh is having sex with some girl in Tyler’s house, but he’ll get over it. But then, Jenna’s head peaks around Josh’s shoulder. Tyler nearly passed out. His vision began to tunnel as his stomach dropped to his ass. 

“Tyler I-” Josh started but Tyler put his hand up. 

“What. The fuck?” 

Tyler slammed the door and stumbled down the stairs. He could hear Josh and Jenna yelling after him but he ignored them. He grabbed his keys off the counter, not even bothering with his shoes and drove off as Josh ran out of the house in just his underwear and Jenna followed him with a bed sheet wrapped around her. Tyler wanted to throw up. Tears were streaming down his face as he drove out of his neighborhood. 

He reached his parents house again and just stayed in the car. Staring into nothing for a minute before screaming as loud as he could and punching the steering wheel. The tears fell hot from his eyes and he was slobbering everywhere, not even making an effort to keep it from falling out of his mouth. He swung open his car door and fell to his knees in the driveway. Tugging his hair and scratching at his face as he wept. He noticed the neighbors staring at him, probably thinking “God this kid again? Just like he’s back in high school.” 

Tyler slammed the garage door and shook the whole house. “What the fuck was that?” His dad exclaimed. His mother came flying around the corner to find her son standing in the laundry room bawling his eyes out and digging his fingernails into his neck. 

“Tyler? What happened?” She rushed to his side and led him further into the house. “Shh. Baby it’s okay.” She had her arm wrapped around Tyler’s side like she did when he was in high school. 

All the anger and horrible memories of not only his best friend lying with his wife, but of these exact moments he would have so many years ago. The frustration built up inside of him and made his blood boil. His face was flaming red and he clenched his fists, smashing a hole into the wall as they rounded the corner to the kitchen. He looks up to see all of his siblings staring at him in shock, his dad already starting to scream at him. 

“No, Chris! Stop!” Kelley tried. “He’s hurt! Something is wrong!” 

“That doesn’t mean he can go making holes in our damn walls, Kelley! I don’t give a damn what he’s been through!” Chris answered back. 

Tyler’s breathing evened out and he quietly said, “Jenna cheated on me.” 

His parents stopped and looked at him, his mother gasping. His siblings, already staring at him, all dropped their jaws in shock. “What’d he say? I didn’t hear him.” His dad said. 

“Jenna cheated on me.” Tyler said louder and clearer. He looked down at his feet. “With Josh.” He said quietly again. Now his mother was crying.


	2. Sometimes Quiet Is Violent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler learned from a young age that hard words can hurt your feelings, but now he knows that silence will fucking destroy you.

|-/

Tyler spent the next few days hiding away in his old bedroom at his parents’ house. Not a lot more tears fell during those couple days, Tyler mostly had a feeling of numbness and worthlessness. Spending all day curled up in bed watching Netflix and sleeping, only getting up to use the restroom and get food from the kitchen (unless his mom brought it up to him). Kelley and Chris were extremely concerned about their son.

“Do we call his old therapist? What do we do?” Kelley asked.

“He’s not a baby anymore, Kelley. He’s twenty seven years old, we can’t force him into going to therapy like we did when he was a teenager.”

“I’m not saying we force him to do anything. I am saying I think we should talk to him about it and see if he wants to go back to it.”

“Go back to what?” Tyler asked, stepping into the kitchen with a blanket wrapped around him. He brushed passed his parents, not making eye contact, and heading straight for the pantry.

Kelley and Chris gave each other a look of concern before Kelley spoke up. “Tyler, sweetie,” She said as Tyler backed out of the pantry with a box of rice krispie treats in his hands. “Your father and I were thinking that maybe you should think about going back to therapy.”

Tyler, struggling to open his rice krispie treat, dropped it on the floor and stared at his parents. “I’m _not_ going back. All she is going to do is prescribe me medication that I won’t even take and you will waste your money, yet again, on something that I can handle myself.”

“And how exactly are you going to handle this, Tyler?” His father exclaimed. “Spend the rest of your life hiding in your bedroom? There’s divorce papers you have to file, you have to appear in court. And what about the band? All your fans?”

“Stop!” Tyler shouted. “I never said I was divorcing Jenna.”

“You’re not?” Kelley asked surprised.

“Well, I-I don’t know yet. And I don’t even want to think about the fans right now. The thought of destroying everything we’ve built these past couple of years just, it’s…” He began choking up. What will happen to the band? Will they have to end it? I mean, Tyler can barely think of Josh without wanting to hit something, let alone play music with him. Josh and him had created this great thing, these fans made their dreams come true. Does Mark even know what happened? Tyler took a deep breath, “I don’t really have a plan yet, I guess.”

\----

A week later Tyler got a text from Josh asking if he’d like to meet and talk about everything, and what’s going to happen next. Tyler agreed as long as Jenna wasn’t there and Mark was. They met up that same day in their studio, they all sat in a very awkward silence until Mark started up the conversation.

“So, can someone fill me in on what happened?”

Tyler gave Josh a dirty look, Josh looked back at him nervously. “Josh fucked Jenna in my bed.”

More awkward silence… “So, I take it you guys hate each other right now?” Mark asked.

“I don’t hate him.” Josh said.

Tyler laughed. “Really? Cause if you didn’t hate me, you wouldn’t have fucked my wife, would you? In my house! In my bed! Please tell me you were on something because I honestly can’t believe this!” Tyler stood up already starting to cry. Putting his hands over his head and circling the room, he faced away from Josh. “Please tell me that was the only time it happened.”

The silence broke his heart.

He spun around, Josh was looking at the ground. “Josh?” His voice cracked. “Tell me that was the only time it happened!”

Josh let his tears fall as he looked up at his best friend, “I’m so, so sorry, Tyler.” Tyler laughed and began crying hysterically. “I didn’t want this all to happen! It was a mistake! I’m sorry!”

“A mistake? That happened over and over again? Don’t fucking say you didn’t want it to happen because you wouldn’t have kept doing it if you hated it!” He sat back down on the couch and put his head in his hands. “Why didn’t you hate it?” He sobbed. Josh reached over and put a hand on Tyler’s back, trying to comfort him. Tyler stood up, “Don’t you dare fucking touch me! You can burn in hell for all I care! As far as this band is concerned, I quit! And I hope all the fans find out what kind of a monster you are! Fuck you Josh! Fuck you!” He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Mark followed him.

He found him leaning up against the wall, crying uncontrollably. Mark leaned against the wall just opposite of him, sighing. He couldn’t find the right words to say. “I’ll let everybody know.” Tyler sniffed and looked up at him. “If you’re serious about ending it. You are serious, right?”

Tyler nodded, “Send out a tweet off the band account. Don’t tell them why. Just do it.”

“The band twenty one pilots has come to an end. We are so sorry. Thank you all for the wonderful memories. Visit our website for more info” Mark tweeted later that night.

“Yes, the band is ending. I will continue to make music, but Josh and I have gone our separate ways. We hope you understand. Stay alive |-/” Tyler tweeted.

“Thank you all for making my dreams come true. It was a fun ride. Stay street frens.” Josh tweeted.

\----

Tyler awoke from a very deep sleep, the sound of his phone made him jump. He glanced at the clock that read 3:02 AM. “Hello?” His voice crackly and louder than he intended it to be. But there was no answer, he glanced down at his phone and realized it was Jenna calling him. “Jenna? What do you want?” He heard shuffling on the other end, then some sniffling.

“Tyler? Can you meet me somewhere?”

Tyler thought it was a joke. “It’s three in the morning.”

“Please.”

\----

Tyler sat outside in his driveway, bundled up from the cold. He told Jenna he’d talk to her but he refused to go anywhere. If she wanted it then she had to make the effort. She pulled up twenty minutes later, looking beautiful. Tyler kicked himself for just the thinking that.

She came over and sat down next to him, all of a sudden Tyler forgot how to breathe. Maybe it was her blue eyes, all glazed over. Maybe it was her scent. Maybe it was her hands and the fact that her wedding ring was missing. But he had a strong urge to harm himself as soon as her arm brushed against his.

“How are you doing?” She asked. Tyler laughed. “I’m being serious.”

“I am too.” He wished he could tell her. If he could be honest with her, he’d tell her he was hurting. Really hurting. But as always, he hid every trace of sadness. They sat in silence again.

“If I told you I missed you, would it mean anything to you?” She asked.

Ignoring her question, Tyler asked, “Where’s your ring?” Jenna glanced down at her empty finger and sighed. “You don’t miss me.” Tyler said.

“I do. I really do.” She pleaded. He just rolled his eyes. “Please, Tyler. You have to understand.”

“Understand what?” The feeling in his throat burned. “Understand that you cheated on me? Cause that is very clear to me.”

“No. Understand why I did it.”

“Why did you do it? Did I do something to you? Were you trying to hurt me?”

“I couldn’t love myself! That’s why I couldn’t love you! I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I was trying to find myself!” She was crying.

“Find yourself… in my best friend?” Tyler was crying now. “You couldn’t love me?”

“Baby…” She reached for his cheek but he moved away.

“No, Jenna! You don’t get to do that!” She shook her head in confusion. “You can’t… just…” Tyler bit his lip to stop it from trembling. “I wish I could hurt you the same way you hurt me. But I could never be that cruel.” Jenna just stared. “Go home now, Jenna.” Tyler starts back into the house.

His heart is confused. He doesn’t know whether to be angry or sad. He doesn’t know if he wants to scream or cry or hit something or kill himself. He feels like he will never know what his next move will be, and that terrifies him.

“Tyler wait!” She yells after him.

“Did you ever love me?” He asks turning around again. Jenna broke eye contact and reconnected with the pavement. Tyler learned from a young age that hard words can hurt your feelings, but now he knows that silence will fucking destroy you.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any ideas for new chapters leave me a comment! I'm always up for new ideas!


	3. Be Concerned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a couple flashbacks in here, I think it's pretty obvious which ones are flashbacks and which ones are in like current time I guess you could call it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you all know, if it switches to first person, that's either Tyler talking to himself or Blurryface talking to Tyler. Hope I don't confuse anyone!

|-/

Tyler’s parents were extremely concerned about him.

“We want to help you.” His mom said.

“I don’t need your help. I’m not sixteen years old anymore.”

“Well we want to at least help you with your next moves. You obviously have to cancel the tour and give everybody their money back.” Chris said, Tyler bowed his head. “You’re gonna need a lawyer for the divorce-”

“Divorce?”

“You’re divorcing Jenna, aren’t you?”

“I-I don’t know… what if I still… you know… love her?”

“Once someone hurts you this much, there’s no way you can ever love them the same again.” His mom said.

“It’s time to move on, Tyler.”

“She said she never loved me.” Tyler looked up with the tears building on the edges of his eyes. “Everything is breaking and it’s my fault.”

\----

**“Tyler. Tyler! Are you listening?” Josh waved his hand in front of Tyler’s face.**

**“What? Yeah, yeah. Red under your eyes, that’s cool.”**

**“No… it’s dumb. I think it’s better that you just do the black paint, I don’t have to do anything.”**

**“No. The red would look cool. You have a blurryface too, Josh. Not just me.”**

\----

**“I don’t know if we should do this anymore.” Josh said.**

**“What? Why?”**

**“If Tyler catches us-”**

**“He won’t.”**

**“It’ll break his heart.”**

**“He won’t catch us.”**

\----

“Tyler I-”

“What. The fuck?”

Josh rolled off of Jenna, slipped on his underwear and chased Tyler down the stairs. Jenna followed with just the bed sheet wrapped around her. “Tyler, wait!” He yelled.

Tyler was pulling at his hair and waving his hands frantically, smacking himself in the head. Josh reached and grabbed Tyler’s wrist, trying to stop him from hurting himself. “Stop!” Josh yelled, but Tyler pulled out of his grip. He shoved Josh back into Jenna, making both of them fall over.

Tyler continued walking, it didn’t even seem like Tyler knew what he was doing. “He’s gonna kill himself if he gets in the car!” Jenna screamed. “Stop him, Josh!”

But it was too late. They both stood in the driveway watching Tyler drive way too fast down the street.

“I thought you said he wasn’t going to be home until late tonight!” Josh screamed.

“I didn’t think he was! He said 10:30!”

Josh retreated back into the house. “Fuck!” He screamed, kicking over the rack of shoes in the laundry room. “What do we do now?” He asked Jenna, making his way back into the kitchen.  

“I-I don’t know.” She sat down at the counter.

Josh sighed, “I have to pee.”

Jenna sat there in silence, wanting to cry but her face remained dry. Why wasn’t she upset? Her husband just left because of her, she should at least feel guilty. But all she could really think about was what was going to happen to her now. Where is she going to live?

“Jenna?” Josh timidly said as he stepped back into the kitchen.

“What?”

“It… broke.” Josh said, hovering in the doorway.

Jenna’s reaction even shocked her. “It’s okay. Tyler’s broke the other day.” Not even concerned.

\----

_Three Months Later_

The amount of pain Tyler feels as he is leaving the courtroom that hot June afternoon is unbearable. He can practically feel Blurryface creeping up the back of his neck and scratching the inside of his skull. He shakes his head frantically, trying to get it to stop. Scratching at his throat to stop the suffocating sensation.

“I never got my refund.”

Tyler looked up to see a teenage girl standing in front of him. “Wh-what?”

“For the concert. I never got my money back.”

“Oh, I-I don’t… Email Michael.”

“I did.”

“Then I don’t know what to tell you. It’s not my fault. If you want your money back so bad you wouldn’t be standing here talking to me. I don’t have it!”

He immediately felt bad for raising his voice at this poor girl. Yeah, she was a bit rude but he shouldn’t have lost his temper. He had learned how to control it so long ago with his writing, which was when he remembered that he hasn’t written anything new for a whole three months. He remembered the song Heathens Josh and him had been working so hard on. It was never released. Nobody ever heard it. He will never get to play it live for all his friends.

“Did you hear me?”

Tyler realized the girl was still standing there. “S-sorry, what?”

“My friend killed herself because of you.”

_It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!_

_You fucking idiot it is your fault! People killed themselves because of you! You’re a failure!_

“It’s not my fault!” He screamed out loud, on accident. He looked up and the girl was gone.

“Tyler?” A familiar voice yelled from behind him, grabbing his one hand away from his hair and the other away from his neck. “You’re bleeding!”

He looked up and locked eyes with Jenna’s. Those crystal blue ones he could get lost in for days. She wiped his tears with her thumb and dabbed at the blood with the collar of his shirt. He thought about leaning in and kissing her. Oh god how he missed those lips. He thought about running a hand through her hair and pulling her into him.

_Stop! What are you doing?_

Tyler jerked back away from her grip. “Stop! What are you doing?”

“Don’t do this again, Tyler.”

“You did this to me.”

\----

“Hello?” Tyler answered his phone, his voice still trying to wake up. He glanced at the clock that read 9:02.

“Tyler? Did I wake you?”

“What do you want, Josh?”

“Can we talk? There’s something really important I need to tell you.”

“No.”

“Just listen for one minute-”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Jenna’s pregnant.”


	4. I Asked For Death But Instead I'm Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler tries to kill himself.  
> Tyler talks with Jenna and Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be triggering so please be careful! This chapter is also a piece of trash and I probably stole so many things from tumblr without even realizing it, so I am really sorry about that.  
> The chapter title is from the song Doomed by Bring me the Horizon.

|-/

“Jenna’s pregnant.”

The vodka burns Tyler’s throat as it goes down, but not as much as those two words did.

“We’re getting married.”

The noose around Tyler’s neck stings, but not as much as those three words did.

\----

2 Months Later

“Have you been keeping up with your medication?” His therapist, Dr. Gladwell asks. Tyler nods. “Are you ready to go home? I’m sure you miss all your friends.” Tyler nods again. Adding a little smile to convince everyone that he is fine, even though it still hurts.

His mom found him hanging from his ceiling fan, cutting him down just in time and calling the police. Tyler was admitted to the mental hospital shortly after waking up. He’s been in there for nearly two months now, counting down the days and faking smile after smile in hopes of getting released soon. It took a little longer than anticipated, I guess he’s not as good an actor as he thought he was. Jenna always said he was an actor. He shakes her out of his head.

Tyler stepped into his old bedroom for the first time in what seems like forever. His parents took the ceiling fan out of the ceiling, so now the only light sources are the windows and lamps. They also took all of his belts and hid any rope they could find. His mom made him show her his wrists every morning and she kept his medication with her at all times, only giving it to him when it was needed. Tyler felt like a teenager again. He hated it.

\----

Tyler and Mark began hanging out again, it made Tyler feel a little better being around someone other than his parents and himself. Mark tried to avoid talking about the whole situation, but sometimes Tyler forced it onto him.

“I don’t even know who’s baby it is.”

“Well you should get tested after the baby’s born. How far along is she?”

“I don’t know, like two months? I haven’t even talked to her yet.”

“Maybe you should. Like sit down with her and maybe even Josh, and talk about a plan.”

Tyler just nodded, deep in thought. What if the baby is mine? Will we get back together? Will Josh take care of it? Will the baby call Josh “Dad”?

\----

It’s been a month since Mark suggested that and Tyler isn’t too sure if he’s ready to see both of them, especially both of them together. They’re probably so happy, planning out their wedding and picking names for the baby. Tyler’s surprised they even told him about the baby, he expected them to just leave him out of it completely.

But Tyler swallowed his fear and called Jenna, his fingers shaking as he scrolled through his contacts trying to find her.

\----

“We both wrote you, did you get our letters?” Jenna asked, sitting awkwardly next to Josh. Unsure if she should rest her hand on his knee or behind his back, or if she should even be sitting so close to him. She felt responsible for his attempt.

“We wanted to come visit, but we didn’t think you would want to see us.” Josh said, awkwardly sitting next to Jenna. Unsure if he should wrap his arm around her or keep it to himself. He felt responsible for his attempt.

“My parents must not have given them to me.” Tyler said, awkwardly sitting by himself. They were responsible for his attempt.

“Well, we just wanted to say that we're sorry for everything. And we wanted to make sure you were doing okay.” Jenna’s blue eyes seeped into Tyler’s.

“Can we talk about the baby?” He asked, breaking eye contact.

“What about it?” Josh asked.

Tyler, confused, looked up. “Well, who’s is it?”

Josh shrugged, “I mean, probably mine. But we can always get a paternity test after it’s born.”

“What do you mean it’s ‘probably’ yours?”

Josh chuckled, “It’s probably mine. How else am I supposed to say it?” Jenna shifted nervously.

Tyler laughed too, “No, it’s probably mine.” Standing up like he was ready to fight Josh.

Jenna stood up too, “Okay, it could be either one of yours! We’ll get it tested when it’s born, alright? Stop acting like children!”

“We’re acting like children?” Tyler yelled. “You know what’s childish? Promising someone you’d love them through sickness and health, yet stabbing them in the back when they aren’t looking! That’s pretty damn childish!”

“I didn’t know what I was doing, Tyler!” She argued back.

“You did know what you were doing and you knew it was going to hurt me! But somehow that didn’t stop you! You promised me forever!”

“Oh my god, Tyler! Everyone promises that! But I was stupid and I found someone better! Okay?”

Tyler bit his lip and nodded, fighting the tears but losing. “Okay.” Was all he said, very quietly. Jenna sighed, Josh awkwardly rubbed his palms over his jeans. “But don’t write me the next time I try to kill myself.”

“Tyler, don’t say that.” Josh said.

“Don’t interrupt me, Josh. Don’t come to my funeral. Don’t bring flowers to my grave. Don’t tell my parents that you’re sorry for their loss because you did this to me. It’s your fault I’m a disaster.”

Jenna cried as Tyler spoke. “We didn’t mean to hurt you. Please, don’t do this. If you give up now, then what were you even fighting for?”

“I used to fight for you. But ever since I lost you, I don’t care about anything anymore.”

\----

Tyler walked into the kitchen with tears in his eyes. His dad, reading the newspaper at the counter, looked up at him.

“Dad?” Chris put the paper down and stood up, ready to comfort his son. “Remember when you told me to follow my heart? When I was little?”

“Yes.”

“If your heart is in a million pieces, which piece do you follow?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is kind of short. I thought it was longer when I was writing it, now looking back it really isn't. But it's also almost 1 in the morning and I wanted to post this now so... congrats you got a piece of garbage! Hope you liked it!


	5. No Hope No Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is really depressing but also super happy? I don't know. This one is messed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well Debby is in this chapter, she's alright I guess. Josh is also a major dick, but that's okay.

|-/

“Fuck Jenna, you know?” Tyler slurred as he dropped his beer bottle and watched it smash on the cement.

“Yeah, you don’t need her.” Mark said, a lot more sober than Tyler was.

“I just thought we were s-soulmates. We were meant to be together.” Tyler cracked open another bottle with his teeth. “When I left, I like prayed that she would come back to me. Cause we were good together.”

“Yeah, but no matter how hard you pray, if it’s not meant to be then it won’t happen.”

\----

2011

**Tyler pushed open the door and stormed down the street back to the parking garage. Josh ran to catch up with him.**

**“Tyler, wait!” Tyler marched on. “Tyler, would you just slow down a minute?” Tyler ignored him. “Forget what he said! He was a dick anyway!”**

**Tyler stopped and turned around, running straight into Josh. Tyler already had his finger in Josh’s face, “Yeah but did you see the look on that prick’s face? ‘You two are a bunch of clowns.’ Fuck him. I wanted to smash his face into that big glass desk he had in there.”**

**“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! He looked like he hadn’t heard music since the 60’s anyway! He didn’t know what he was getting himself into.”**

**“Forget it. What’s the point anyway? Nobody believes that we’re gonna be able to do it.” Tyler turned and headed for the car again.**

**Josh quickly went after him, still a step or two behind. “Then let’s make it happen! Let’s shock everyone!”**

\----

2015

**Tyler looked over at his best friend as he was singing his song to 18,000 people. He listened to 18,000 people singing it back to him and he smiled. _We made it happen._ He looked up and saw his parents smiling at him. _We shocked everyone._**

\----

Tyler curled over the toilet, letting all the toxic things he put in his body spill out into the bowl. Tyler had been drunk before, but never this bad. When he was finished, he checked the time, 5:57 AM. He blinked the tears away before another shiver came over his body and his head was back in the toilet. He heard a soft knock on his bedroom door, but he couldn’t find the strength to make a noise.

“Tyler? Are you okay?” She walked into the bathroom to find her son curled up in between the toilet and bath tub. “Ugh. Not again.”

Tyler opened his mouth to say something, but felt it creeping up his throat and he threw up again. He could feel his mom’s finger nails running up and down his back. “Let it out, honey. It’s okay.” Once all of his insides were on the outside, he felt a lot better. He stood up and brushed his teeth, his mom wiped the tears off his face. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself.” She said.

He shrugged and put his toothbrush away. “I’m fine now.” He said, expecting his mom to leave. But she didn’t.

“Your liver says something different.”

He rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” Lying down on his bed.

“Stop saying that, Tyler! It does matter! You were doing so good!”

Tyler sat up, “Until they hurt me! Until they ruined everything that made me happy!”

Kelley rubbed her eyes, “Someday you’ll look back and know exactly why this had to happen. When you find yourself looking at the girl you love and wondering why it took you so long to find her.”

“But I’m so fucking sad and it won’t go away! It’s to the point where I can’t even breathe sometimes. I keep telling myself to forget about her but I can’t! It hurts and I’m dying! I can’t do this anymore! I wish you would have let me die!”

Kelley sobbed, “We care about you so much, Tyler. And we will help you through this just like we did when you were younger.”

“Oh bullshit!” Tyler screamed standing up. “You didn’t help me when I was in high school! You had no idea what was happening to me! You just let it go half the time!”

“That’s not true!” She defended.

“I wanted to kill myself and you were yelling at me for not finishing my 500 shots!”

“Well you weren’t exactly open about your feelings back then, were you?”

“Oh fuck you! I carved my feelings into my own skin and you thought it was just a phase!”

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I’m sorry we were hard on you and I’m sorry we were blind. But you are here and you are alive and healthy. That’s all that matters. Your happiness will come back to you, it always does. Just please, stay alive, for me. Okay?”

Tyler sobbed like a baby and clung to his mom’s neck. She kissed him on the top of the head and held him close. She cried harder with each of his hiccups. “You deserve better.” She whispered.

\----

1 Month Later

“Tyler!” He turned around and saw Debby approaching him and Mark.

“Hey, haven’t seen you in awhile.” He said and hugged her.

“Oh, I know. I’ve been pretty busy. I heard about what happened with Jenna and Josh, I’m really sorry.” She stroked his arm and for some reason the hair on the back of his neck stood up.

“That’s all right, people come and go.” He said.

They locked eyes for what seemed like forever. He could see himself in those big brown eyes. He thought about leaning in and kissing her, but this time he didn’t shake the thought out of his head. He was going to do it.

“Hey, I’m gonna head home. Are you okay?” Mark interrupted.

Tyler looked down at the ground, laughing at himself. “Yeah, go ahead. I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Why don’t we go back to my house?” Debby offered and bit her lip.

 _Oh fuck._ “Sure.”

One hour later they were tossing around in the sheets, sweating and moaning, panting and kissing. Tyler forgot how good this felt once he reached the climax. He rolled off of her and caught his breath. She started laughing and he joined in, closing his eyes. He rolled closer to her and rested his head on her shoulder. Then he heard the snap of a camera. He opened his eyes.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

She giggled, “No worries, it’s only going on snapchat.”

\----

The next day, Tyler was home alone. He heard a loud banding on his front door. He went downstairs and opened it.

“Josh?”

Josh was standing on his front porch, he looked angry. He leaned back and swung, cracking Tyler right in the nose. Tyler stumbled back, tripping over the rug and crashing to the hardwood floor. “What the fuck?” He screamed.

“Stay away from Debby!” Josh screamed.

As he turned to walk away Tyler tripped him, causing him to fall face first into a side table by the front door. Tyler stood up and kicked him in the ribs. “You fucked _my_ wife! And you’re mad at _me_ for fucking your ex girlfriend? Fuck you, Josh! Get the fuck out of my house!”

\----

Mark laughed when Tyler told him the story. Mostly laughing at how ridiculous Tyler looked with his nose all bruised. But also at the fact that Josh was the biggest asshole he’s ever met. “Well, give them a taste of their own medicine and they’ll say you poisoned them.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the wonderful comments! If you like this please leave a comment because it encourages me to update more! Also if you have any ideas feel free to let me know!


	6. Somebody Stole My Car Radio And Now I’m Just An Addict With a Pen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay there is a part in this chapter where Tyler writes something and IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM IS IT MINE !! The song is written by Flatsound (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeOg5oPhGos1i-OQRTNGIsQ this is his YouTube channel feel free to look at it! He's really talented!) I did take a few things out and change like 1 thing (just so it would fit the story better), NO I did not get his permission but like I said, IT IS NOT MINE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE SUMMARY BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER OR MAKING ANY COMMENTS  
> Anyway this one is kind of short but I like it. I was mostly thinking of the car radio music video while writing this and addict with a pen for some reason. I don't know what came over me but it was great whatever it was.

|-/

For the most part, Tyler was doing okay. Until he saw a couple pictures of Josh and Jenna getting ready for their wedding. Michael stopped by one day with a ton of fan mail.

“A couple of them are really good.” He said. “There’s not a lot of art, but some of them are really well written. Especially this one.” Mark said digging through a pile and pulling out a red envelope. “It was written a while ago, but it’s not too late to answer her.”

Dear Tyler Joseph,  
It's May 31, 2016 at 2:14 AM. Tonight was supposed to be the best night of my life, and I’m sure it was up there as one of yours as well. I hope you know that we don’t blame you for this. We fully understand what had to be done is done. I have had a lot of thoughts about relapsing again. I did relapse recently, it's an old friend. Not a very good one, but one that I could always run back to when things got rough. There it was. A feeling I thought I had forgotten. I laid down on my bed with my blade and hit shuffle on my playlist. A miracle happened. Truce began playing and I immediately felt something, you were speaking to me. Your song forced my demons to slowly back away into the corners of my mind. It then got to the part of the song where you say "Stay alive, stay alive for me." And I had my first clear thought in years. I will stay alive for you Tyler Joseph. And I want you to stay alive for me. You're not the only person going through this, we’re here with you. You're not the only one who lies in bed at 2AM hoping somehow if you just close your eyes and try to sleep everything will go back to the way they were when you wake up. You're not the only one who has rope burns on their hands from holding on for just too god damn long. I just want you to know that your songs are helping people. Your music encouraged me to write this instead of hurting myself. You can still write because your mind is a beautiful thing. It is now 2:32 AM and I feel okay. I can go to sleep now without that weight pressing down on me. Thank you so much. And remember, I'm staying alive for you. So you need to stay alive for me. Goodnight.  
Thank You,  
Gina D.

The letter brought Tyler to tears. Tyler had his first clear thought in months. I refuse to die.

He scribbled that down on a piece of notebook paper, signed his name and also wrote on the back “Thank you for your kind words, fren. They mean more than you know. A deal is a deal. Stay alive.”

\----

Tyler wrote:

I'll sit and pretend I know someone at an intimate depth. It only makes me feel like shit in the end because you're only as good as the people you consider your friends.

So watch an aching past surface, and now I'm half certain that everyone who associates with me's a bad person because everyone who associates with me is as worthless now I finally understand what it means to lack courage. Because at the end of the day it just defeats the damn purpose to share the fruit of your knowledge while completely malnourished.

So I've been trying to let go of the things that torture me inside. Congratulations, you're cordially invited to a small list of things that I normally would hide.

Like high school, no comprehension of enough harm. Codeine for numb hearts and patching up cut arms. But drinking cough syrup when you didn't have a cough is ironic, because in reality you're sicker than you thought. But like hearing new music and being too scared to turn it up, virgin blood mostly told me to stop at the surface cuts.

And sometimes I wouldn't eat more than a couple bites, and sometimes I'd go a week and not sleep more than a couple nights, and sometimes I'd get so wrapped up in the "couple life" when the "couple life" failed me the first couple times. But I am grateful that it seems stupid, and I'm grateful that I miss you because the passed few months are something I'm glad I had to sit through.

Because now that I know what it means to be dead I can start living again. Now that I know what it means to be dead I can start living. I can smell it when I breathe, I can feel it when you leave. I can start living again.

\----

1 Month Later

Tyler is all settled into his new apartment. Everything is unpacked and in their right places. He sits down on the couch and glances at the corner of the room to see his piano with a sheet draped over it. Slowly, he gets up and whips the sheet off of it. Dust flies up into the air around him.

He examines it. It looks exactly how he remembered it. The same scratches and dings. He swiped four fingers across the top, wiping away the dust it left. Sitting down, he played the first thing that came to mind. Addict With a Pen.

The notes seemed to flow out of him, as the always do. He sang like there were 20,000 people in front of him. His foot tapped with the beat, but shook his head violently in between “I haven’t found a drop.” He closed his eyes and bobbed his head. “Water.”

He yelled and could practically hear the crowd roar. He shook his head again and started banging on the piano with the palms of his hands and his elbows, sounding powerful yet so stupid. His foot was now stomping rather than tapping. He reached over and grabbed the remote off the small table next to him and climbed on top of his piano, singing into it like a microphone.

Using his outrageous hand gestures, he closed his eyes and could hear the cheering. He could hear the drums backing him up. “The waves of the water, mean nothing to me!” He smacked his hand against his chest and yanked his hood up over his head. His voice kept cracking and he was sweating, nearly crying.

“My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal headcase.” He put his fingers up to his head like a gun and shot it off. “But you specialize in dying.” He hopped off the piano. “You hear me screaming father.” He looked up at his ceiling and closed his eyes. “And I’m lying here just crying. So wash me WITH YOUR WATER!”

He dropped the remote and opened his eyes. He was panting and sweating. He looked up timidly and felt dumb. He turned around in circles, searching for Josh to smile at. But there was nobody. Just himself and that aching feeling in his chest. It hit him like a truck. He was completely and utterly alone. No one to catch him when he falls. No one to kiss. No one to touch. No one to even laugh with anymore. Just him and an old friend. He looked over in the corner and swore he could see that dark figure with red eyes staring him down. He swore that fucker smiled.

Tyler laughed. And then he didn’t stop laughing. Not until he was on the floor, cracking up at something that really wasn’t funny at all. It was quite terrifying actually. He stared at the ceiling and his laugh turned to tears. And he was now alone, lying on the floor crying, and he nearly died when he heard the rain start falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE SUMMARY BEFORE COMMENTING ANYTHING  
> Thank you for all your kind words, they mean so much!


	7. They Fill With Fire, Exhale Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sort of lame, I didn't really have any good ideas or anything so it's mostly just Tyler rambling about stupid shit. Oh, and the baby is kind of in this chapter. And Debby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case I didn't make it clear, in chapter 3 Tyler got divorced. Which is why he was leaving court.

|-/

Tyler hadn’t talked to Jenna for months now. He thought he was over it, somewhat. He could go about an hour without thinking about her, it doesn’t seem like much but to him that’s progress. But one day when he was out, Jenna walked past him with her friends and Tyler could see the pity in her eyes. It built a fire in his head. He grabbed her by the arm and yanked her back toward him.

“Hey!” She yelled, holding her hand under her pregnant stomach like she was trying to keep the baby from falling out the bottom.

“Don’t do that.” He said.

“Do what?”

“Let go of her, you pervert!” Her friend yelled trying to push him away.

“Look at me like I’m the weak one. Not when you were the one who left because you were afraid.”

Jenna couldn’t help but stare at the boy she once loved. She swallowed a lump in her throat and fought back the tears.

“You’ll search for me in him. I can promise you that. But you’ll never find me.” He noticed his hands were shaking, embarrassed, he hid them in his hoodie pocket. He looked up at her friends to see if they had noticed. He was relieved when none of them made any sort of indication that they knew, but Jenna started laughing.

“Baby, did you forget to take your meds?” She swiped her two fingers across his chin.

Tyler shivered as he stood in shock, replaying her words over in his head. Trying to hold onto the feeling of her skin on his. Her friends giggled as they all turned to walk away.

“You fell asleep in my, car I drove the whole time! But that’s okay I’ll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine!” They all screamed, taunting poor Tyler as he stood on the sidewalk crying.

\----

Tyler had dinner at his parents’ house one night. They sat in silence for a while, all you could hear was silverware on the plates and the clicking of his dad’s jaw as he chewed. Finally, Kelley broke the ice.

“Do you know what Jenna is having yet?”

“Nope. I haven’t talked to her about it.” Tyler said without looking up from his plate.

“So, you haven’t been to any of the appointments?” His dad asked, putting his fork down.

“Nope. She never invited me to any.” Even though he couldn’t see it, he could feel his parents give each other the look of concern.

“What if the baby _is_ yours? You should go to at least one ultrasound, don’t you want to see what it looks like?” His mom asked.

“And what if it’s _not_ mine? Huh?” Tyler said dropping his fork, making a louder noise than they all anticipated. “Why would I go and see a child that doesn’t belong to me, but to some jackass who doesn’t care about other people?”

Neither of his parents could answer his question. Satisfied, Tyler nodded and began eating again.

“When is she due?”

“I don’t know, like February?”

More silence followed.

“Well, I think you should go see her. That would be the mature thing to do.”

Tyler rolled his eyes and regretted his decision to come over for dinner.

\----

The more Tyler thought about what his parents had said, the more angry and upset he grew. _Why the fuck didn’t she invite him to any? What if it is his baby? Why does this all still hurt after so long?_ He found himself watching old videos of when everything was okay.

“We make a great team.”

“Yeah we do.”

The tears were already falling as Tyler smiled at that memory, at the sound of Josh’s voice and the way he chuckled. He came across his wedding video and his smile faded. Does he dare torture himself with this heartache? Yes he does.

Tyler read his wedding vows. “I remember the feeling I had towards you when we first started talking. I thought you were amazing, but you were so unimpressed.” Everybody laughed, including Jenna. “But that’s why I love you. Because you made me fight for you and you made me realize that I’m not as cool as I thought I was.” Everybody laughed again. “But I wrote these songs about you and I made art for you and earth without art is just ‘eh’, just like my world without you is just ‘eh’. I wasn’t ready to fall in love with you Jenna Black, not at all. But at some point you smiled and I blew it. And my heart would skip a beat when I heard you talk. And I remember telling you that I want to mean something to someone, and I think I’ve found my someone.” His voice cracked and he laughed at himself as he cried, Jenna laughed at him through her tears as well. “I love you with all my heart Jenna. And I can’t wait to grow old with you and do old people things while we watch our old kids do the things that we once loved.”

Everybody began cheering and the video cut off and all Tyler could see his reflection in the TV. What a mess he was. “Fuck.” He whispered under his breath. “Fuck!” He threw the TV remote into the TV stand, cracking one of the cabinets. Then there was a knock on the door.

“Debby?”

“Hey, you! Mark told me you’d be here! Oh wow, you look like hell. Are you alright?” She rambled off as she stepped into his house, threw her keys on the counter, hung her coat on a chair, and sat down on his couch. “What are you watching?” She asked.

Tyler got down on the floor and began picking up all the DVD’s. “N-nothing. It was nothing.”

“So, I got invited to their wedding. And I got a plus one. You should be my plus one! How funny would that be? Oh I can just see the look on their faces now.” She laughed. “Could you imagine?”

“Yeah, yeah, that would be pretty funny. But I think I’m just gonna sit this one out.”

“Wow, what happened to your TV stand? Did you kick it?” She leaned forward to get a better look.

“No, um, it came like that.”

“Oh I’d take it back and get my money back. Did you hear that Jenna’s having a boy?”

Tyler stopped picking up the DVD’s and looked at her. “What?”

“Yeah! A little boy!” She reached in her purse and pulled out some ultrasounds. “Isn’t he cute? Look at him!” Tyler sat down on the couch and examined them. “Look you can see his little fingers!” She squealed.

Tyler looked up at her, smiling at these pictures in his hands. He mostly looked at her lips, and her eyes, maybe he even glanced down at her boobs. But he couldn’t hold himself back. He leaned in and planted one on her mouth. They both pulled away and looked at each other. Debby bit her lip and went at him again. Ripping his shirt off and running her hands through their hair as they fell onto their backs.

Tyler rolled so he could be on top but they ended up just rolling off the couch and onto the floor. Debby hit the ground first but she didn’t seem to mind, she might not have even noticed given the fact that she still clung to Tyler’s lips. She began tugging his pants off as Tyler yanked at hers. Once his were off, she wiggled out of hers. He lifted up her shirt and looked down at her boobs. He couldn’t even think about how perfect they were because she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in for more.  
If Tyler could remember one thing from Jenna and his relationship, it was that the sex was never this rough.

\----

Debby left him wide open and bleeding. His heart was on the floor. It was like she came over and picked it up, just so she could drop it and watch it smash. He knows she doesn’t mean to hurt him, but she doesn’t ever bother to stick around. Tyler feels used. He brings out his bottle of vodka and cringes at the taste in his mouth and the burning of his throat. He wants to forget her name, but he knows that’s hard to do. Hell, he’ll probably forget his own name before he forgets hers.

Drink after drink, smoke after smoke, his world was spinning. And it seemed like the more he drank the more miserable he felt. But that didn’t stop him. Not from drinking, and definitely not from calling her and leaving her five voicemails.

“Hey. I was just calling to s-s-say I missss you.” He slurred into the phone. “And I really fffucking hate what happened to us. We used to be so good, you know? Remember all those great times we had and, and all those things w-we hoped to, to be?” He wasn’t making any sense, he knew that. But he took another drink anyway. “I miss you, Jenna.”

“Iss me again. I just wanted to say that I’m really fucking pissed off. You ruined everything. I had so much p-planned for ussss but you fucked it up.” He dropped his beer bottle and it shattered on the tile floor. “Oh fuck.” And he hung up.

He got down on the floor and attempted to pick up the broken pieces of glass. The beer was soaking through his jeans on his knees. He tried his best to pick up the small pieces through all the stickiness but it was no use. “Fuck it. Whateverrr.”

He leaned back against the cabinets and eyed this huge piece of broken glass sitting in front of him. Just the thought sobered him up a little. He shook his head violently. “Stop it.” He whispered, putting his hands over his ears. “Stop it!” He began crying, taking in huge gasping breaths. He waited for someone to come pick him up but no one ever came. And he felt so alone when he realized that maybe no one care about him after all.

“I’m sorry I left you those messages. I didn’t mean it. Well, I mean, I did, but… you get it.” He took a deep breath. “I just thought about doing it again but stopped myself and I don’t know why I stopped myself. It all just made me feel dizzy… or maybe that’s the alcohol.” He stopped and just listened to the silence around him. “I need you. I really fucking need you.”

“Everybody thinks I’m doing better but I’m not. I’m still the same as I was when you left. I’ve, I’ve had moments when I think I’m over it, over you. But then I find myself crying on the floor. What did I do wrong? What happened to us?”

“I really miss you. Like a lot. I miss your hair and your smile and your dumb jokes but they were your dumb jokes that made me happy. Fuck, it’s hot in here.” He said under his breath. “God, you used to make me laugh so hard and smile so much my face hurt. But for the life of me I can’t remember what you said. Do you remember what you said? Fuck. The only thing I can think of is when you told me you don’t love me anymore. That didn’t make me laugh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update, I've been really uninspired. And this chapter is kind of forced so sorry about that too. Please hit me up with ideas! I'm running out!


	8. A Shade of Pink She Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long but it's a little bit longer so it kind of makes up for it??? Don't hate me.

|-/

Tyler woke up sober and hungover as hell. He was face down on his kitchen floor with a beer bottle in his hand. He peeled his face off the tile and stuck his hand in the broken glass he had forgotten about. “Ah shit!” He yelled and cradled his hand. There was a knock on the door, it was Debby again.

“Hey there, cute stuff! Geez you look worse now than you did last night.” She said as she came in, making herself a home yet again. But this time she was carrying grocery bags. “I heard your messages you left Jenna. Yikes.” Tyler sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “They weren’t that bad! It could have gone a lot worse. But, I did bring you some things that will make you feel better. Well at least make your hangover better.”

She pulled out some soup and a carton of eggs. She put the soup in the fridge and began making eggs, grabbing him a glass of water while she was at it. “Drink that, then I’ll get you a coffee.”

They sat and had eggs and coffee together. For the first time in a long time Tyler felt somewhat normal. Jenna used to do this for them all the time. They made small talk, mostly about Debby’s music career, but Tyler didn’t mind. He actually liked hearing about that kind of stuff, even though he missed it like crazy.

“Have you written anything lately?”

Tyler looked up from his plate and accidentally looked at her boobs, but purposefully didn’t look away. “Um, yeah. But I haven’t really done anything with it.”

“You should! I bet it’s amazing.” Tyler laughed and kept eating his eggs. “Well, I’m gonna get going. You can heat that soup up later if you want it. But I just thought I’d stop in.” She grabbed her keys and was already out of the kitchen when she swung her head back in. “Oh! And no more alcohol mister. And no more drunk voicemails to Jenna, for your own sake. You hear me?” Tyler smiled and nodded. “Good. See you later, cutie!”

What the fuck was Tyler going to do with her?

\----

Thanksgiving Day

“Tyler, you’re late where were you? Dinner’s almost ready.” His mom said as she set the last plate down, the whole family sitting around the table already.

“I know, sorry. The roads are really bad. I saw like three cars in ditches.”

The Joseph family sat down for dinner together for the first time in a very long time, Tyler hadn’t seen his siblings since he was in the hospital. He’s grown distant from everyone. He’s just felt empty, yet that feeling was so heavy and he was still trying to figure how that made sense.

Nobody asked about Jenna, they knew it was a touchy subject. Same with Josh. So they all just pretended it didn’t happen, like everything was okay. But at some point someone will have to drop the ball and it’s going to shatter everywhere, and everyone is going to end up with cuts on the bottoms of their feet.

“No phones at the table.”

That’s been a family rule ever since Tyler got his phone, being the eldest, that same rule was passed on through the siblings. So like they always do, they left their phones in the kitchen while they all ate dinner in the dining room. Once they were done, the table was clear, and they cleaned up, then they could have their phones back. Tyler could see his phone buzzing from across the counter but chose to ignore it rather than upset his mother.

“What the fuck did Debby tell you about my baby?”

“This baby does not belong to you whether you’re the father or not. I want to make that clear.”

“Stay away from my family.”

Tyler couldn’t tell what kind of pain he felt while reading those messages from Jenna. He was angry, so angry that he wanted to cry. But he also wanted to collapse into himself and disappear for a while. He wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or he just didn’t want to exist. Or at least not be aware that he existed.

“Tyler, what’s wrong?” Maddy asked. He slid his phone across the counter to his sister and she scrolled through her messages. “That bitch. I’m gonna fuck her up.” Maddy said and headed for the garage, grabbing her coat, shoes, and keys.

“Maddy, where are you going?” Tyler chased after her. “Stop. Let me handle this! It’s fine!”

She shoved her brother back, harder than Tyler expected and he stumbled. “No, Tyler! She doesn’t get to treat you like that!”

Tyler grabbed the keys from her hands, “I will handle this. I’ll go over there now and talk to her.”

Maddy laughed, “Talk to her? Cause that’ll get you far. No that bitch needs to learn-”

“Shut up! I know! I know she’s a bitch! I know that! Just let me handle this like you know I can? Okay?” His phone vibrated again.

“You’re dead to me.”

He brushed passed Maddy, not letting her see his falling tears. She chased after him but she was too late, Tyler was already gone. He drove too fast through his tears and he could feel the ice tugging at his car but he didn’t do anything to try to stop it.

 _“Do you feel real?”_ Blurryface hissed in his ear. Tyler shook his head violently. _“Do you?”_

“No! Fuck… I don’t feel real! Go away!” He screamed.

_“If you hit the ice and crash maybe I’ll go away.”_

His vision was blurry and he slammed on the brakes when he saw the blur of the red light shine above him. He slid into the middle of the intersection and spun out. Tyler cursed as he jerked the steering wheel but it was out of his control.

_“Let it happen.”_

After he let go of the wheel, all he heard was the sound of tires screeching, glass breaking, and a lot of metal on metal. All he could see was the blood, oh god how there was so much blood. And that was it.

\----

“He’s going to be fine.” Doctor West said, the same doctor who saved Tyler’s life multiple times in the past. The entire family let out a breath of relief. His mother sobbed even harder. “He did suffer quite a few injuries, though. A broken rib, a sprained ankle, and a minor concussion. Nothing bed rest won’t fix.”

“Can we see him?” Kelley asked.

“He’s on a lot of drugs right now, I think it’s better if you let him rest. He’ll be conscious a little later tonight, maybe not until the morning.” Kelley nodded and listened as the doctor spoke. The kids went and sat down again. “Your son is a survivor. I’ve never met such an amazing young man.” He said putting his hand on each of their shoulders.

Chris gave a weak smile, “Thank you.”

Maddy sat staring at the ground, she had her head on Zack’s shoulder. But the moment she looked up, she saw Jenna walking toward them with Josh. Maddy stood up and met them halfway.

“Maddy, I just heard the news from Debby. How’s he doing? Is he ok-”

Maddy cut her off with a hard slap across the face. “This is your fucking fault. You stay the fuck away from my family. Do I make that clear?” Jenna nodded. “Good. Now get the fuck out.” Jenna turned and walked away, Josh stayed put. “I’m talking to you too, Oompa Loompa.”

\----

1 Week Later

Tyler didn’t want to do anything anymore, no motivation. He was running out of money fast and he was starting to get behind on rent. He needed a job, but that was going to be hard with his current condition. If he couldn’t do the physical work he’d have to do something else, something like writing music. Or maybe something illegal.

\----

About 2 Months Later

Before Tyler knew it, he had a whole room full of weed he was growing. He didn’t really think about any of the consequences that went along with it, he just did it. It still had about two more months before it was ready, but he knew he was going to make a lot of money off of it. Examining his work of art, he smiled.

Tyler knew what he was doing was wrong. But it felt so right. He hadn’t felt this alive since Jenna. Tyler had felt so lost for so long. But sometimes in order to find yourself, you have to lose yourself first. And Tyler was afraid. He was so scared of what he was becoming. It was a never ending spiral right back down into his pit of nothing. It seemed like no matter how many times he thought he’d hit rock bottom, the ground caved in from underneath him.

His phone rang, and he was too mesmerized by this beauty to even look down at who it was. “Hello?”

“Tyler? It’s me. Can you please come over. I need to talk to you.”

“I thought I was dead.”

“Please…”

“Am I alive?”

“Do you feel alive?”

And for the first time in a long time Tyler could answer, “Yes.”

\----

“I just feel so guilty for what I did to you. It’s all my fault.” She said. Tyler didn’t answer, just stared at his jeans picking at the holes. “Do you forgive me? For everything?”

“I forgive you. But I won’t ever forget.”

“I know what I did was awful. Can you please look at me?” She touched his shoulder.

“I can’t. I-I don’t want to because if I do then I’ll miss you again and I know I can’t have you.”

She scooted toward him, sliding her hand down his chest. “You _can_ have me.” She whispered. Tyler hesitantly looked up at her. She was practically in his lap now and her fingers danced around his crotch. “Take it slow.” She whispered, kissing him on the cheek and moving slowly down to his neck. He fidgeted at the awkwardness, wanting to deny it so much but also craving it so much more.

“Fuck it.” He said and pushed her back, climbed on top of her and yanked his shirt off. Before he knew it, they were both naked, having sex on the couch that was once his own. It felt so odd yet so familiar. “Where’s Josh?” Jenna couldn’t answer through her moans. Tyler pulled out and put his knee in something extremely wet.

“Shit!” Jenna yelled.

“Did you piss yourself?” Tyler asked jumping up.

“No you idiot! My water just broke!”


	9. But With Your Great Arrival, That Shade Has Turned to Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Omg this took me so long to come up with, so much was so forced but oh well. Thank you for the baby name suggestion too!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I don't really know like the laws and shit for actual paternity tests, so if some of this isn't correct we're just going to pretend it is :)

|-/

Tyler walked next to the stretcher Jenna was on as the doctors wheeled her down the hallway. She was squeezing his hand but not in the romantic kind of way, in the I’m trying to keep a human being from falling out of me kind of way. She squealed in pain and as they reached the double doors Tyler was practically close lined by a nurse.

“Family only past this point.” She said. 

Tyler tried to step past her, pointing at Jenna, trying to get the nurse to understand. “I am her family! That’s my-” 

“I’m the father.” 

Tyler looked to his right to see Josh running through the doors as the nurse gave Tyler an apologetic look. “You can wait in the waiting room.” 

Tyler was left alone in the hallway. He swung his fist through the air, connecting with nothing. “He’s not the fucking father!” He screamed. 

“Sir!” A lady screamed from the front desk. “I believe she told you to take a seat.” She snapped at him. 

Tyler chuckled through his tears and nodded. He sat down in the waiting room, impatiently tapping his foot annoyingly on the tile floor. Other people in the room gave him dirty looks, a man leaned over and was about to tell him to stop but he was cut short by some woman. 

“Hi, um, excuse me?” She asked. 

Tyler looked up with bloodshot eyes, “Yeah?” He asked sitting up and wiping his tears quickly. 

“You’re Tyler right?” She asked smiling. He gave a weak smile and nodded. “Hi, oh my gosh. I can’t believe it’s you. I’m a huge fan. Can I get a picture with you or something?” 

Tyler looked around, trying to figure out why she thought this was a good time to ask him that question. He realized he probably looked like hell, so he said “How about I just sign something instead? Sorry, it’s just-well, you understand right?” 

The girl nodded and laughed, “Yeah, sorry. I’ll go get a pen and paper.” 

She ran away to the front desk. Tyler looked over at the annoyed man next to him, still giving him a dirty look, Tyler smiled at him sarcastically. 

Besides talking to the fan, Tyler sat in silence for hours. He wanted to call his parents but was too scared to make a noise, knowing his voice would crack and he’d break down into tears. He didn’t know why he was so emotional. God damn it, he was over it. He was over her. What the hell was wrong with him. Not even six hours ago he had her back in his arms. He had her lips on his. He had her skin on his. He had her. 

Tyler slept in the very uncomfortable chairs, his neck was aching but he refused to leave. Josh came out once to get coffee, he looked at Tyler sleeping and felt sorry for him.  _ That poor bastard, he won’t give up will he?  _ He brought him a cup of coffee, remembering the way he likes it. 

“Hey.” He said sitting down next to him. Tyler didn’t stir. “Hey.” He said again, nudging his shoulder.

Tyler opened his eyes, “What? What?” He panicked sitting up. 

“I brought you coffee.” Josh said, holding out the paper cup to the small man. Josh could tell Tyler was different, not just in the way he acted, but also how he looked. He had big circles under his eyes every time he saw him. His body was small, frail. He couldn’t help but notice bruises on his elbows, bite marks on his arms, scratches on his head. He knew Tyler was getting back again, Josh knew it was his fault. 

“Oh, um, thanks.” He said taking it. “How is she?” 

Josh shrugged, “She’s just getting impatient. The little fucker just doesn’t want to come out.” He laughed uncomfortably. 

_ Don’t call him that. _ Tyler thought, but nodded instead of opening his mouth. 

“You should go home, get some sleep or something.” 

“I  _ was _ sleeping, you woke me up.” 

“Josh?” They both turned their heads to find a small woman in blue scrubs with a face mask standing near the double doors. “It’s happening.” She was smiling.

They both stood but Josh was the only one that followed the lady. Leaving Tyler yet again in silence. Just the sound of fingernails typing away on a keyboard, but in the back of his mind it sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard instead. His mind was screaming so loud that he couldn’t even make out what it was saying. He knew the screaming would destroy him but he also knew that the silence made his ears ring and his heart bleed. 

_ Maybe if my heart stops beating it won’t hurt this much.  _

\----

James William Dun. Born February 7, 2017. Five pounds, ten ounces. He had bright blue eyes, just like his mom. When you put him next to Tyler, he looked like him. But when you put him next to Josh, he also looked like him. The paternity test would take weeks to get back. Tyler didn’t mind. The only thing that bothered Tyler was the name on that piece of paper. 

The last name, he could get over it, it could change. He knew they had to put something down and because they were soon to be married, it was easiest to have his name be Dun. But William? Really? Now they were just being petty. Tyler didn’t think it should be Robert, but they could have just come up with a different one. God it was all just bothering him way too much. 

Josh came out of the double doors, finding Tyler biting the edge of the paper cup he had handed him half an hour ago. “Tyler?” Tyler looked at Josh and stood up, “Do you want to come see him?” 

Tyler teared up and he nodded, trying hard not to smile. When they got to the room, Jenna was holding James on her chest. She smiled at Tyler, “Do you want to hold him?” He nodded again. She handed James to Tyler carefully, after Tyler sanitized his hands. 

Ever since Jenna left, Tyler didn’t believe in love at first sight anymore. That had failed him one too many times. But as he stood there awkwardly, holding this baby in his arms that he wasn’t even sure was his, he felt that feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time. He couldn’t help but cry, making Jenna cry. 

Josh stood there with his arms folded, chewing the inside of his lip. He was worried that this baby wasn’t his, and Jenna would leave him just like she did to Tyler. Josh grew angry, and it scared him.

\----

_ 3 Weeks Later _

Tyler got a phone call mid afternoon after he cared for his garden (which was almost done), it was Jenna. 

“Um, the results came back…” She said. Tyler remained silent, waiting for her to deliver them. “James isn’t yours.” 

\----

_ 4 Months Later _

Tyler had gained a lot of customers, and his bank account was growing faster and faster. But even though Tyler had his bills paid and all the items he wanted, he couldn’t get the thought of her out of his mind. Nothing could distract him from her. And he still couldn’t believe those results. Tyler needed that piece of paper, he needed to see for himself. 

Of course, Jenna would never let that happen. Especially if she was lying about it. Tyler needed to find it, he just needed a plan as to how. 

He spent the rest of the afternoon, drinking, trying to come up with some genius idea. But before he knew it, he was drunk and the best he could come up with was to break into the house. It was a dumb idea, but the alcohol didn’t think so. Tyler grabbed his shoes and jacket, drove across town without crashing the car somehow, and found himself parked in their driveway. 

All the lights were off in the house. He didn’t realize how late it actually was. He snuck around to the back door and jiggled the handle only to find that it was locked. He tried the window next to it, locked. He stepped back, trying to come up with the best way to break a window without waking them up (there isn’t one by the way). Out the corner of his eye, he saw one of the windows opened just a crack. 

He pushed it open even more and hoisted himself up over the window sill, feeling around with his foot as to what was on the other side. He found a place to place his foot flat and swung his other leg in, he climbed the rest of the way and stood up. Scaring himself when he looked down and realized he was on the counter. He hopped down as quietly as possible. 

He could hear very faint voices coming from the living room. He peaked his head around the corner and saw the TV on, and Jenna and Josh were asleep on the couch. Tyler sighed, creeped back into the kitchen and could see James asleep on the baby monitor. He smiled and touched the screen with his finger, accidentally knocking it over. He froze, waited for the sound of footsteps, but heard nothing. So he continued. 

He had his flashlight on his phone on, searching through drawers and cabinets. Finally, he found an unfinished scrapbook on the very top shelf. He had to climb onto the desk chair to reach it. He flipped through the pages and found it, tucked away inside an envelope. He unfolded it quietly, reading frantically. His mind tried to keep up with his eyes but it was all going too fast. Finally he reached the bottom of the paper that said: “Joshua William Dun - Possibility of Paternity: 0%” 

Tyler smiled. He planned on taking this to the cops, but when James started crying he got another idea. He put the paper down and turned the volume down on the baby monitor, making sure it didn’t wake Jenna and Josh. He snuck upstairs and found James in his crib crying. Tyler shushed him, finding his pacifier and sticking it back into his mouth. 

Tyler picked up his baby, rocking and bouncing him. “Shh. It’s okay. Daddy’s here.” He whispered. He snuck back downstairs with the baby in his arms. This time he was going out the front door, there was no way he could manage to climb out the window again, drunk, with a baby. So, he opened the front door, but didn’t know about the new alarm system they had put in. 

_ Beep beep beep beep _

It rang fast and loud, Tyler stood still in the doorway. But as soon as it finished, Jenna and Josh were already stirring awake, staring at Tyler and James. “Tyler?” Jenna said. 

Tyler’s feet moved fast causing James to cry again. He hopped in his car and sped out of the driveway dangerously fast. He had James in his lap, trying to support his head, calm him down and concentrate on the road. “It’s okay. It’s okay. We’re just going for a little drive. It’s okay.” He said softly. 

He didn’t know where to go. He knew the first place they would go was his house. 

“Fuck!” He yelled, hitting the steering wheel. James squealed. 

He suddenly remembered, the weed. The police will be at his house any minute now. Not only will he do jail time for kidnapping, but for the possession of drugs. Tyler was screwed. He thought about driving his car over a bridge, but when he looked down at his son, he was calm. James made him feel calm. 

It only lasted a few seconds though because before he knew it there were red and blue sirens flashing behind him. More than just one cop car was high tailing it after him. 

_ You fucking idiot.  _

Flashes of red beat heavy behind Tyler’s eyes. 

_ What the fuck were you thinking? _

Tyler decided to pull the car over into a field before he crashed the car, killing himself and his poor, innocent, defenseless son. He got out of the car, lying James down on the floor of the car so he could be safely retrieved by an officer. He took steps away from the car as police all began pulling their guns on him. He had his hands up in the air, surrendering. 

Please take me away from here. 

“Freeze! Don’t move!” An angry man yelled. 

Tyler stood still, tears streaming down his face faster than they ever had before. He put his head down in defeat and sobbed. “I’m sorry, James.” He cried, then tilted his head back toward the sky. “I’m sorry!” 

\----

Jenna ran into the kitchen, grabbing her phone and calling the cops. Josh lept up from the couch and attempted to chase the moving car down the street. 

“911, what’s your emergency?” 

“My baby was just taken from his bedroom, please send help! He’s got a gun, he’s going to kill my baby!” She lied. 

“Do you know who took him?” 

“My ex husband!” 

“Is he the father of the child?” 

Jenna turned around and saw the paternity paper sitting on the counter. “No. No, he’s not.” She said as she tucked the paper back into the scrapbook and put it away. 


	10. Why'd You Come You Knew You Should Have Stayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler would wake up sweating and crying, but he was so cold. And he swore he could see things, things that weren’t human. They would stand in the doorway and look at him, but as soon as Tyler would lay his eyes on them they would walk away. Tyler pulled his hair and scratched his face, convinced he was going mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this one actually doesn't suck! I added something to the last chapter, it's not that much but I had to change one thing because I couldn't get the original version to work with the story. So you can go read it again, it's at the end but it's not that big of a deal if you don't.

|-/

6 Months Later

Tyler’s jail sentence was six years. Four for second degree kidnapping, two for the possession and selling of drugs. He knew he deserved it, he knew he shouldn’t have done it. But then again, his sick, twisted mind thought that he should have done better. He should have gotten away. He shouldn’t have been that stupid. He shouldn’t have pulled over.  _ He should’ve tried harder.  _

Tyler tries to stay out of people’s way, tries his best not to make enemies. So he stays quiet. People usually find him sitting in his cell on his bed, scribbling words down into a ratty old notebook. The spiral bent out of place and deformed. The red paper cover was bent and torn in certain places. There weren’t many pages left, the ones already written on were literally filled. Tyler wrote nonstop in the notebook. After the first week other prisoners had started to notice. 

“Hey kiddy fiddler! What’re you doing with that thing?” 

They started calling him that when he told them he was in for kidnapping. He didn’t even get to tell them he was also a drug dealer. 

“Writing…” 

“Writing what?” 

It was snatched from his hands and thrown across the room. Tyler stood up to retrieve his item but they stepped in front of him. He tried to push his way through them, but quickly found his face being smashed into the metal bedframe. He watched as they ripped some of the pages out and scattered them around the cell. 

Tyler never saw those guys again. 

\----

Tyler slammed the front door, tears streaming down his face. His mom, who was helping Maddy put her shoes on, was standing in the foyer watching her eldest bawl into his hands. 

“Tyler, what happened?” She asked, stepping to his side to comfort him.

“They made fun of me again and pushed me off my bike! Look!” He held up his bleeding elbow to show his mom. “I hate them!” 

“What’s going on?” Chris asked.

“It’s those damn boys again. Maybe you should just stay away from them from now on.” 

Tyler’s dad stormed outside to find three other boys riding their bikes in circles on the street right in front of their house. “Hey!” He screamed.

“Chris, don’t! They’re eight years old for God’s sake!” 

Chris ignored his wife and made his way out onto their lawn, “If you  _ ever _ mess with any of my kids again, I will smash your teeth into the sidewalk! Do you understand me?” He was so angry that he didn’t even realize he had grabbed one of the boys by the front of his shirt. All three of them were shaking in fear. “Do you understand me?” He yelled again. They all nodded.

Tyler never saw those boys again. 

\----

2 Years Into His Sentence

“Joseph.” Tyler looked up to find a guard standing in the doorway of his cell. “You have a visitor.” 

Tyler followed the large man to the visiting room, expecting to find his parents there. But this time, it was an unfamiliar face. Josh. Tyler picked up the phone.

“Hi.” Josh said.

“Hey.” 

“H-how are you? You look good, except for that black eye.” 

“I’m fine.” 

They both sat in awkward silence for a while. Josh knew that visiting would be over soon. He had so much to say but didn’t know how to put it into words. Tyler was always so good at that, putting his feelings down on paper. Josh stayed behind the drums where he felt comfortable, letting Tyler do all the talking and performing. But now with Tyler gone, and no drums to hide behind, he was out in the open. It was like walking on thin ice talking to him. 

“I’m really sorry all this happened to you, Tyler.” Josh expected a response but got nothing. Tyler just stared down at the dirty glass. “I don’t know about you, but I really miss hanging out with you and stuff. Like traveling and… stuff.” He laughed nervously. “And I miss writing songs with you. And, and going to Taco Bell with you.” He laughed again. “I don’t know, I kinda miss the band.” 

Josh waited for Tyler’s ignorant response like “Should’ve thought about that before you screwed my wife.” 

But instead, he said “Yeah, I guess I miss it too.” Josh smiled at him and watched his tears fall. “Can you do me a favor?” 

“Yeah, sure. What is it?” Josh said, leaning forward. 

“Send me pictures of him? I-I just want to watch him grow up, you know?” 

“Yeah, yeah of course.” Josh smiled. 

Tyler couldn’t help but walk back to his cell with a smile on his face. He flung himself onto his mattress, forgetting how uncomfortable it was. He paid no attention to the pain he had just brought upon himself and pulled out his notebook. Scribbling and scratching at the thin paper. His tongue hung out the corner of his mouth as he focused on the words being written. His mind amazed him. 

Tyler was so drawn in by his writing that he didn’t notice all his cellmates had left. He also didn’t notice the officer standing in the doorway telling him it was time for dinner. So when he didn’t answer, they thought he was rebelling. Tyler looked up and saw three guards charging at him, each one grabbing a piece of his body and throwing him to the floor. They beat Tyler relentlessly with their nightstick, no matter how much Tyler pleaded they wouldn’t stop. 

Just when Tyler thought they were finished, he got a harsh kick to the ribcage, sending him rolling on the floor in agony. He coughed up the few breaths he had left in him which resulted in dry heaving. The pain was dreadful. The guards didn’t give Tyler a minute to recollect himself. They hauled him to his feet and dragged him toward the cafeteria. Tyler tried to keep up, but his feet were far behind. He eventually just let them drag behind him limply. 

When they reached the cafeteria, they propped Tyler up in one of the chairs at a table. But Tyler had lost consciousness and fell to the floor. He spent the next week in the infirmary. 

\----

Josh was sat on the floor in the living room, racing cars around and around on a track. He watched as James laughed and hollered at how fast the cars shot off the end and crashed into the leg of the end table. Josh smiled at his son. Jenna worked every day, five days a week, leaving Josh home to take care of James all day. Josh didn’t mind, he liked spending time with him.

Jenna, somehow, didn’t tell Josh that James wasn’t his. Josh never heard them say it in court that he wasn’t. Jenna just dismissed it and acted like Tyler was the crazy one. Sure, Tyler did go a little bat shit crazy at the end there. But Jenna, deep down, was the one harboring all these secrets. 

Josh heard the front door open and gasped, “Guess who’s home!” He exclaimed, watching his son go from excited to curious. He peeked his head around the couch to find his mommy coming toward them. 

She gasped and smiled, “Hi, monkey!” She yelled and picked him up. 

James immediately went into stories about what him and “Daddy” did that day. Jenna just nodded and pretended like it fascinated her. But something caught her attention. 

“I payed with Jessie today!” He said.

“Did you?” 

“Mm hm. Daddy didn’t.” 

“No, where was Daddy? Did he stay with you?” Jenna asked but was surprised when he shook his head. “Where was he?” James didn’t answer, his thumb was in his mouth now which meant he had done all the talking he wanted for the day. Jenna looked at Josh, “Where was Daddy?” 

Josh shrugged, sitting up off the floor. “I just ran some errands.” He said and took James from her, setting him on the floor again and giving him another car to race. 

“What kind of errands?” Jenna asked, following closely behind Josh as he wandered into the kitchen. 

Josh leaned against the counter and sighed, he found no use in lying to her. “I went and saw Tyler.” 

Jenna opened her mouth to speak, but clamped it shut and cleared her throat. “You did what?” 

“I visited Tyler.” He said again. 

Jenna slapped Josh hard across the face, then peeked her head around the corner to see if James saw, which he didn’t. Josh held his cheek and fell silent. “I don’t want you to see him ever again. Do you understand me?” Josh nodded. “Good.” She said and bent down to take off her high heels. 

“Why shouldn’t I see him?” 

She turned back around. “Do you not remember the time he kidnapped our son? Nearly killing him? Do you not remember the time he broke into our house? Right here in fact.” She said pointing right at the ground where they were standing. “Does that not ring a bell to you,  _ honey _ ?” 

Josh could see the crazy look in her eye and could feel this situation escalating if he didn’t give her what she wanted. “Yes, I remember. I understand. I won’t go see him again.” 

“Good.” 

\----

While in the infirmary, Tyler kept having dreams about the band and he would wake up crying. The worst ones were when they were playing a show. Tyler would be screaming and jumping and banging on his piano, and he would look over and Josh and he wasn’t there. And then he would be backstage and he would find Josh and Jenna together, holding hands, staring. 

Or another bad one was when they’d be drumming in the pit during trees and he remembers Josh being there when he climbed in but at the end, he would hold his drumsticks up and look to find his best friend and he was gone. And sometimes when he would look back out in the crowd they would all have terrifying masks on. Like Twisty from American Horror Story. Or the masks the demons wore in Josh’s video before Polarize would play, the video nobody ever got to see. 

Tyler would wake up sweating and crying, but he was so cold. And he swore he could see things, things that weren’t human. They would stand in the doorway and look at him, but as soon as Tyler would lay his eyes on them they would walk away. Tyler pulled his hair and scratched his face, convinced he was going mad. He was scared of himself, he wanted nothing more than to die. But he was so afraid of death once it lingered right in front of him. He told himself he’d be comfortable with it, he told himself he’d be okay and safe once he was gone. But every time he saw one of those things and his life swayed on the edge, he clung to anything to keep from falling. 

“Joseph.” He looked up to find a guard, yet again, standing in the doorway of his cell. He’d been back from the infirmary for only a few hours. “Come with me.” Tyler followed the guard down the hall to a private bathroom, one only the guards used. He handed him a cup and opened one of the stall doors. Tyler entered and went to close the door but the guard blocked it with his body. “Keep it open.” He said. 

“I’m clean.” Tyler said. 

“Prove it.” 

Tyler waited patiently with his hands cuffed to a cold metal table. He tapped his foot anxiously, going over and over again in his head if he did take any drugs. But his mind was so foggy from everything that had happened to him over the past week, it was hard to recall anything. The door in front of him opened and a large man in a suit stepped in. 

“Look, I’m clean. I promise.” The man came over and uncuffed him from the table. He led Tyler out of the room. “If there was anything in it then it wasn’t my fault. Someone must have drugged me. I swear I didn’t-” 

“Change into these.” The man said holding out an arm full of Tyler’s clothes he had on when he first got there. 

“Wh-what?” 

“Change into these. You’re out.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I think about it I probably should have set up a schedule as to when I update?? Oh well. Comment and leave me kudos!


	11. We Turned Our Hands to Guns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you, Tyler. You’re like a brother to me, you always have been. Even when you left, I missed you everyday. I still haven’t forgiven myself for what I did to you. Which is why I have to do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter is such a roller coaster.. Enjoy

|-/

Tyler couldn’t help but give a little smile when he felt the wind hit his face in the perfect temperature. It felt good to be in denim and cotton again. And it felt good to give his mom a hug without having to count to three before letting go. He turned his seat warmer on in the car, even though it wasn’t cold out. And he listened to his favorite stations.

“How’s James?” He asked halfway through the drive.

“Oh I haven’t seen him in ages. Maybe a year ago now.” His mom said. “Your dad isn’t going to get home until late tonight, so what do you want for dinner? I’ll make whatever you ask for.”

“I think I’m gonna go see Jenna and Josh.”

“Oh… okay. Is that such a good idea?”

“Mm hm. Josh and I wrote each other a couple times. I think they’d be fine with it. I want to see James too.”

“What do you want for dinner tonight?” She asked again, contemplating on whether she should tell Tyler it was a bad idea to go see them or not. Kelley pulled into her driveway and got out of the car. “We’re gonna have to find you a new apartment.”

Kelley continued to ramble but Tyler blocked her out. Even when she was still talking to him, Tyler closed his bedroom door on her. He didn’t mean to, his mind was just somewhere else. He looked up at the hole in his ceiling from when Tyler decided he had enough. He looked at the holes in the walls that bloodied up his fists. He looked at his notebooks on his desks still open with pen and ink everywhere. He looked at himself in the mirror and he found that he was numb. Numb to all the things he had left behind but there was one thing that still hurt the same. The numbness was pure bliss but the hurt, the hurt feels so familiar. Familiar, but unwanted.

Tyler took that unwanted feeling and exercised it. He found himself on the front doorstep of this house that used to feel so warm and inviting, now all he wanted was to puke in the flower beds. He knocked three times and rang the doorbell, then knocked three more times because the first three didn’t feel right. Those next three didn’t feel right either, but he fought back the urge to knock again and gripped his wrist to keep himself steady. The door opened and he found his ex lover (still a lover to him) standing there with food on her shirt and her hair in a messy bun on top of her head.

“Tyler? What are you doing here?”

Tyler opened his mouth to speak but forgot how to breathe and his hands started shaking. His weary eyes drifted behind her and he found a little boy, hiding behind his mother’s figure with the collar of his shirt pulled up over his mouth. His big brown eyes looked up, examining Tyler. He had brown hair that was stuck up in all different directions, like he’d been pulling on it. His fingernails looked dirty and his knees were scraped and bruised. He looked like a mini Tyler.

“Tyler? I asked you a question. Are you alright?” Jenna craned her neck to try and meet Tyler’s eyes. When Tyler’s watery eyes fluttered up to meet hers she held a hand out, offering him to step inside. Tyler accepted and entered, his knees shook and his heart raced. “Sit down I’ll get you some water. Come on James.” She pushed James along into the kitchen, not giving Tyler the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn’t try to take him again.

“Who is that, Mommy?” He heard the little boy say.

“Tyler?” Tyler turned and found Josh descending down the stairs. “What are you doing here? When did you get out?”

“This morning.” Tyler’s voice was raspy and he cleared it. “Sorry. I feel like I’m catching you all off guard, I should have called.”

“No! No. It’s okay. We just weren’t expecting you to get out for another year or so.” Josh sat down next to Tyler, an awkward length away.

“Overcrowding.” Tyler clarified.

Jenna and James came back into the living room and James crawled into Josh’s lap. Tyler took the water, trying his hardest not to spill it as his hands still shook. “James this is Tyler. The one in all those pictures. Say hi.”

“Hi.” The little boy squeaked out.

Tyler chuckled, “Hi there. How old are you?”

“Five on Friday.” He smiled, exactly like Tyler.

“James why don’t you go play outside?” Jenna said, James opened his mouth to whine but she cut him off just in time. “ _Now.”_ James sighed and hopped off Josh’s lap.

“Can Tyler come play?”

“I will later.” Tyler answered before Jenna could, who shot him a look of hate. “So, I was hoping we could talk about custody… If you don’t mind.”

Jenna stared, begging with her eyes to stop talking. Tyler obviously didn’t get the message.

Josh cocked his head, “Custody?”

Tyler nodded, taking another sip of water. “Mm hm. Of James…” They both stared at him, Josh dumbly, Jenna angrily. “I mean, I feel like I should at least have visitation rights. Right? Or you know, joint custody?”

“Honey,” Josh said calmly. “What the fuck is he talking about?”

Tyler giggled. “Oh he doesn’t know?”

Jenna smacked Tyler’s arm, “No. He doesn’t know, you idiot!”

Josh stood up. “Doesn’t know what? What the fuck is going on here?”

Tyler and Jenna were standing now too. “Babe, I wanted to tell you, I really did. But you’re just so good with him. I-I don’t know, I could never find the right time. I knew it would break your heart.”

Tyler nodded, “Yeah, she doesn’t go easy on your heart, man.”

“Tyler! Would you please shut up for just two minutes!” Jenna yelled. “Please don’t be mad. You’ll always be his father!”

“What? No he won’t! He’s the step dad!” Tyler intervened.

“Tyler!”

“Both of you shut the fuck up!” Josh yelled. “This, this can’t be happening. This can’t be fucking happening!” Josh paced around the room, running his fingers through his thinning red hair. “You knew? All this time! And you let him call me Dad and you didn’t even think to mention it?” Jenna shook her head. “What the fuck?” He yelled.

“I mean, you really couldn’t guess?” Tyler said. “He looks exactly like me.”

Josh shook his head and stormed into the kitchen. “I don’t believe this. I don’t fucking believe this.” He pulled down the scrapbook Tyler had found the papers in. He fingered through the pages and finally found it. After a moment of silence and Josh staring at the paper, Josh slammed his palm down onto the countertop and left the kitchen.

“Mommy?” James said peeking his head in through the back door. “Why is Daddy mad?”

“He’s not mad, baby. Go back outside.” Jenna assured him.

James disobeyed and stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. “It’s hot. Can I play in here?” His eyes drifted up from Jenna and they heard the sound of a gun loading. “Daddy?”

“Josh! What the fuck? Put that thing away!” Tyler screamed.

Josh had the gun aimed at Jenna, his eyes screaming, he clenched his jaw. “You bitch.” He spat.

“Josh you fucking idiot! Knock it off! Your kid is right here!” Tyler screamed again.

“You mean _your_ kid?” Josh looked at Tyler, keeping the gun on Jenna who stood frozen. “I’ve had it with this bitch! She tore our friendship apart! She tore the band apart! She tore you apart! You hanged yourself because of her! You went to jail because of her! I am miserable because of her!” Josh cried out. “She can’t keep getting away with this!”

“You had some part in all that too, Josh. That wasn’t all on her.”

“Daddy, don’t hurt Mommy!” James screamed and ran across the room, attempting to hug him. Josh panicked and pointed the gun at him. Tyler screamed and grabbed James, yanking him out of the way of the gun.

“I know I hurt you, Tyler! I know that! And I am so sorry!” Josh moved the gun back toward Jenna. “I love you, Tyler. You’re like a brother to me, you always have been. Even when you left, I missed you everyday. I still haven’t forgiven myself for what I did to you. Which is why I have to do this.”

“Josh don’t.” Tyler pleaded.

“Josh.” Jenna breathed out.

“Daddy no!”

“I wrote your name on the bullet so everyone knows you were the last thing that went through my head.” Josh said.

“No!” Tyler screamed and wrapped his hands around James’ head, pulling his eyes away from what was about to happen. Ducking down to stay out of the way of the bullet. His ears were ringing and when he looked up, Josh had the gun to his head. “Josh, no!” He cried but it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was super short so I'll probably update again tomorrow!


	12. They Said He Had Lost His Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry about this guys, I read all your comments. I know you didn't want Josh to die, I hate it just as much as you do. But James is super cute but also super sad in this chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I stole some shit from tumblr so I apologize...

|-/

“Mommy? Mommy! Please stop crying!” 

Tyler watched as the little boy cradled his mom in his tiny frail arms. His tears fell fast and his face was burning red. Tyler shifted his gaze over to his dead best friend and almost threw up at the blood splatter on the wall. 

“My friend just shot his wife and then himself! Send an ambulance! She’s hurt!” Tyler yelled at the 911 operator. 

“Mommy! No! Mommy wake up! Please Mommy! Don’t go! I need you! Mommy!” 

\----

“Time of death, 3:37 PM.” 

\----

Tyler sat in the same waiting room he had sat in five years ago. He tapped his foot impatiently the same way. His eyes were burning the same way. Except this time, he had that little boy he was waiting on five years ago right next to him. He swung his legs back and forth trying to keep himself occupied. He wasn’t crying anymore, but every time Tyler looked at him his bottom lip was quivering like he was about to. 

The doctor came around the corner and Tyler jumped up. James did the same and followed but Tyler stopped him. He crouched down to the boy’s height and put his hands on his shoulders, “You stay here, okay? I’ll be right back.” He said and ran his hand over the boy’s hair. 

“I’m sorry.” The doctor shook her head. “We did all we could.” 

Tyler couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t hear or focus or even stand straight. He looked back at his son, his eyes trying to decode his father’s glare. His ears trying to hear what the doctor had said. 

Tyler had tears streaming down his face and had his hand clasped to his chest like his lungs were going to fall out of it. He stumbled backwards and bumped into James, who was looking up at Tyler with those big brown puppy dog eyes. His tears were built up on the edges of his eyes and his lip was shaking. 

“Is my mommy dead?” 

This was one of the times where all Tyler could do was hope for the best. Hope he can gain custody of his son. Hope he can give his son the life he deserves. Hope he doesn’t go mad. But the best wasn’t even in sight. It didn’t even seem like it was on its way. 

\----

April 23, 2021

A lot can change in a couple years, but Tyler never could have imagined this. He sat on a park bench and scribbled down into a notebook.

_ It’s five years today that my world began falling apart. The world turned and left me there. I think most of who I was is dead now. James won’t stop crying. He has nightmares. He cries for his mom when he’s sleeping and I don’t know how to help him. I’m useless.  _

He looked up and watched as James sat on the edge of the playground, hit feet dangling lifelessly below him. He kept his head down as other kids ran past playing and screaming and laughing. All James wanted was his mom. 

\----

Tyler keeps dreaming of Jenna. Sometimes he’ll wake up in the middle of the night because he swore he could hear her saying his name. She visits him in his sleep, he’s convinced. He hasn’t told anybody that though, he’s scared they’ll take James from him. James is all he has left, he can’t lose him. 

His dreams are always short, but they feel like a lifetime. He keeps having one where he’ll see her, clear as day, right in front of him. But he goes to touch her and runs into a glass wall. He tries to get by but it won’t let him. And he screams her name over and over again. He couldn’t seem to exist loud enough to make her turn around. 

“I’m right here! Jenna! Turn around! I’m here!” 

And sometimes Josh will be with her. And he can see him with the gun and he knows what he’s going to do with it but he just can’t get past the damn glass. He hits it with his fists, screaming at the top of his lungs, trying to tell Jenna he’s going to kill her. Trying to tell her to run. But she never hears him. And the dream always ends the same. 

But this dream, this one was different. This one was so unlike the others. He doesn’t remember how it starts, just how it ends. Him and Josh are in an empty street and everything is so calm. 

“We were good though, weren’t we?” Josh said. 

“Yeah, I guess we were.” 

“Why did things have to end up like this?” 

Tyler thought for a moment, “Because we grew up.” He said. 

Josh sighed, “I never asked for that.” 

“No one ever asks to grow up. It just happens.” 

“Do you think we could ever go back to the way things were?” 

“I don’t think it would be the same.” Tyler said.

“No, I suppose not.” He was silent. “Thanks for being here with me.”

“That’s alright.” Tyler said. “I won’t see you again, will I?” 

“I don’t know.” Josh sniffed then smiled, “I’ll remember you though. I’ll remember us.” 

“I know.” Tyler said. “Me too.” 

“I have to go now.” Josh stated.

“Daddy?” Tyler turned around and found James standing behind him with blood all over his shirt and hands. “Help Mommy! She’s bleeding!” Tyler turned back around and Josh was gone. “Daddy?” Tyler woke up startled. “Tyler?” James was standing in front of Tyler, his face not far from his. “I had a bad dream.” 

Tyler lifted the sheets, inviting James into bed with him. “Was it about your mom again?” He sighed and James nodded. “It’s okay. I have them too.” 

“Are you my dad?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Can I call you, Dad?” 

Tyler smiled, “Of course.” James scooted closer to Tyler and wrapped his small arms as far as he could around Tyler’s chest. Tyler pulled him closer and held him. 

“I keep having nightmares of her hands letting go of mine.” James said quietly. Tyler hugged him tighter. “Why weren’t you and Mommy together anymore?” 

Tyler sighed, “Things got hard. I don’t think you’d understand.” 

“Who was Josh? The guy pretending to be my dad?” 

“He wasn’t pretending, he thought he was your dad. Your mommy lied to him, but we forgive her. Josh was my old friend.” 

“Is he the guy you used to play songs with?” 

Tyler smiled, “Yeah, yeah he was.” Tyler looked down at James. He was staring at the wall in front of him, trying to take all this information in. “Go to sleep, buddy.” James shifted so he was more comfortable, then slowly closed his eyes. 

Tyler sighed and thought about how all of this had happened. How did he end up like this? He was engulfed in the same darkness he had always feared. But now, he quietly watched his son’s chest rise and fall as he slept. Tyler smiled and thought to himself, “My god, I almost missed this.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised I actually wrote another chapter in less than 24 hours this is crazy.


	13. They Fly Around While We Are Walking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thank you!” Tyler heard somebody yell from the crowd.
> 
> “No, thank you guys so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any pain I've caused...

|-/

After the funeral, Jenna’s parents took James for the day to get his things from his house. His clothes, toys, bed, pictures, all had to be moved into Tyler’s house. Tyler stumbled home, ripping his tie off and unbuttoning his shirt. The tears come slow, but fall so fast. He wishes he could have said goodbye the right way. Regular goodbye’s hurt when you know it’s the last word, so this hurt like a bitch. Tyler sat down on his kitchen floor and pulled out his phone.

“I miss you.” He texted Jenna. And she didn’t reply.

“I miss you.” He texted Josh. And he didn’t reply.

That night, Tyler was in a place between half asleep and a little tipsy. He swore he could see Jenna and Josh outside his bedroom door. So he followed them. He followed them all the way into the kitchen. Ghosts have a habit of haunting past their time of leaving, so it wasn’t a surprise that they stopped by when Tyler was supposed to be sleeping.

“You’re too late.” Tyler said. They both stared back at him. “I’m alright now. I’m free.” They both smiled. “Can you stay? Just for tonight?” They both shook their heads. “Well, I’m happy the universe allowed your soul to stop by.” They smiled. “I guess this is goodbye for us.”

\----

1 Year Later

Tyler looked up from his piano into a roaring crowd. He scanned the faces in the section to his left and found his son smiling. He laughed at how cute he looked with those big headphones over his ears.

“Thank you!” Tyler heard somebody yell from the crowd.

“No, thank you guys so much.” Tyler had more to say but was cut off by another rush of screams. “Looking back on all that’s happened these past couple of years, I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking around and never giving up on me. It truly means a lot. And I know, I know Josh can’t be here right now and I wish he was, but he’s watching us all right now. I can feel it. I would give anything to see my best friend playing the drums right next to me.”

Tyler looked down to the front row and could see people crying, holding up signs saying “You saved my life” and “We’ll always stick around”.

“Please give it up one more time… for Josh Dun!”

\----

Tyler got home from the show late. It was past one in the morning. The black paint had been washed off his hands, even though it was very faint that night. He’d showered and talked with a few fans that somehow managed to sneak back to the bus without getting caught. Security eventually caught them, but Tyler let them stay. It’d been too long since he’d talked to any of them.

“Is he awake?” Tyler asked the nanny as he quietly set his keys down on the kitchen counter.

“He shouldn’t be, but he is.” She said.

Tyler wandered up the stairs to find James's room glowing from the nightlights. He walked in and saw dinosaurs dancing on the ceiling and his son cozy in bed, turning over quickly to pretend he’s asleep when he sees his dad walk in.

“Oh, I saw that.” Tyler said playfully. James tried hard not to smile. “I saw that, mister.” He sat down on the end of the bed and poked James’s side, James giggled and twisted, sitting up to come face to face with Tyler. Tyler gasped and picked his son up in one swift motion, throwing him into the air as James bursted in laughter.

“You did good tonight, Dad.”

Tyler sat him back down in his bed and smiled, kissing him on the forehead. “Thanks buddy.”

“Where’s Josh?” James asked as he layed back down into the pile of stuffed animals and blankets.

“He’s in heaven, with Mommy.” Tyler said as he pulled the covers back over him and smoothed out the wrinkles.

“Will we ever see them again?”

Tyler nodded, “Eventually.”

\----

Tyler decided to take James to the cemetery to see Jenna and Josh. James hadn’t been since the funeral. Tyler held his small hand in his as they walked through the grass on the cold spring morning. James held a bouquet of flowers in his other hand as did Tyler. They stopped at Josh’s grave first.

James set the flowers down and put his hand on the top of the tombstone. “Sorry I pretended to be your kid.” He said.

Tyler bent down, “Hey. That’s not your fault. Okay?” James nodded. “Josh loved you no matter who’s kid you were.” Tyler swiped James’s tear away with his thumb and hugged him.

“Can I go find Mommy?”

“Yeah, don’t go far okay?”

James ran off, leaving Tyler alone with this feeling of guilt. “H-hey, Josh. Um, I’m doing better. In case you were wondering. James is getting so big, I wish you could see him.”

Tyler looked up and saw James standing at a grave. “And um, I forgive you and all for what you did. But I do wish I would’ve screamed fuck you more often, instead of being considerate of your feelings. I guess that wouldn’t have changed much really though, would it? So… fuck you. Better late than never, right?”

He laughed a little. “Anyway… I’m still alone on stage. I can’t let someone else fill your spot. The drums are always open if you ever want to stop by and play with me.” Tyler let the tears roll down his face. “I miss you, Josh. More than you could ever imagine.” He bent down and kissed the top of the stone.

He looked back and found James still standing at the grave, he wrapped his arm around his tiny shoulders. “What’s she saying?”

James looked up and smiled, “She says hi.” Tyler laughed. “I’m gonna go talk to Josh again. I forgot to say bye.”

“Wow.” Tyler said sighing and rubbing the back of his head. “Crazy, huh? He’s grown up so much, Jen. You wouldn’t even believe it. He’s a looker.”

He laughed. “Everything reminds me of when you were here, especially him. He looks like me, but he does the same things you do. Like when you used to fiddle with your hands when you got nervous, or when you would bite your lip when you were excited. And his birthmark is in the same place as yours. You probably knew that though. It still hurts when your name runs through my head.”

He sighed again. “God, how did all this happen? We were so good, everything was so good. I don’t know, I’m doing better. But I still find myself wishing that everything was okay. Like maybe I’m just dreaming and I’ll wake up in the morning and your name will pop up on my phone, like nothing changed. I’m making memories with new people now. But even when I fall in love with someone else, it will never be the same way that I loved you.”

Tyler put the flowers down on her grave. “I love you, Jenna. And so does James.” He kissed the top of her tombstone too.

On the drive home, _Tear in my Heart_ came on the radio.

“Daddy this sounds like you!” James screamed from the back.

“It is me, buddy. I wrote this a long time ago for your mom.”

One old song with a thousand memories. James fell asleep on the way home, but not until after the part where Tyler avoids the holes so he sleeps fine. As he carries him inside, he swears to himself that he’ll protect James from all the things Tyler’s seen, all the things Tyler’s gone through.

“I love you, Daddy.” James muttered sleepily.

“I love you too, James.” Tyler said and kissed him on the cheek.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it guys. I had so much fun writing this! Please let me know what you thought or if I should add anything! I have some more ideas for new stories so please stick around! Thank you for all your nice words and leaving me so many kudos!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIS0znMQyvg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIS0znMQyvg

Hey guys! SO I made a trailer for this fic and it sucks... BUT could you all please go check it out! It would mean the world to me! Thank you!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIS0znMQyvg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIS0znMQyvg


End file.
